4 Reasons Why Grown Up Friendships Are Hard

I am gonna go ahead and throw this out there guys because YOLO. (Are we still saying that?)

Grown up friendships are hard.
I’m sure most of us realize how important quality relationships are to our happiness as human beings. So why does it get harder as we get older instead of easier?

Why do we go from 70 person house parties in college (was that only me?) to realizing it’s been two weeks since we’ve seen anyone other than our coworkers? The reality is there’s a lot about the business of “adult life” that makes it hard to sustain authentic, fulfilling relationships with other people.

When I realized this about a year ago, it practically broke my heart.
I wanted to be superwoman. I wanted to be everything to everyone. And then I got married. And then I had to stop, forgive myself, and lay down on the couch.

Here are what I believe are some of the most common reasons our friendships get tough… and some tips on making sure the really great ones last:

1. Location

So you moved across the country. Or out of the state. Or to the other side of town. Maybe all your friends moved away. The reality is – location matters. It’s the #1 factor in determining how often we connect with our homies. But being far away doesn’t have to mean your friendship stops. It just means you will have to fight harder for them. After moving 500 miles away from home and now living in a city that is a revolving door, this is an issue I’m far from perfecting.

So if you’re like me, try setting aside a Saturday afternoon each month where you call, text, or email a couple out of town friends. If you’re able, decide on a time a few months down the road where one of you can travel to the other and meet up, or take a short trip together. It really makes all the difference.

2. Relationship Status

It’s inevitable. If you’re married, you will eventually see an Instagram photo of the crew you hung out with, doing something fun without you. Or your friend gets a serious significant other and you don’t hear back from them for months.

Afraid to be the one who does the disappearing act, I spent some time exhausting myself trying to prove I was still Jenny From The Block (Aka – completely the same). Not worth it!
What you can do? Return texts and phone calls. I had to make a list of people I wanted to be intentional about staying connected to. And every month or so, try to make something with those people work. (Movie nights, games nights, etc are really great.) Don’t be that person that no one ever hears from again because you’ve got a boo. And don’t be the person who assumes those who have someone no longer have time for you.

3. Jobs

In Nashville, there are a lot of people who spend their days in coffee shops, travel the world frequently, and somehow still manage to afford living in a loft downtown. (???!!!!) This pisses off people like me, who sit in a cubicle and have to keep their dog in a crate all day. And then there are your friends who work restaurant jobs on nights and weekends, which is an office worker’s only free time.

As we move into careers or various stages of temporary employment, this plays a huge part in determining our lifestyle. It’s much easier to maintain friendships with people whose days are similar to yours. That way we can relate/sympathize when needed. But it really is worth it to occasionally hang with some folks whose everyday life looks different than yours. You can give each other perspective.

If work has got you or your relationships down, meet up with a friend for coffee before you head to the office. Or meet up for an occasional late night bite to eat. Its exhilarating, I swear.

4. Interests

If you are really into designing iPone apps, but your friends prefer to spend their Thursday, Friday, Saturday night at the bar – you’re gonna have to find some common ground. As we get older and settle into life a little more, our interests and hobbies will change. Its inevitable I realize most of my friends are not interested in getting their Vinyasa flow on instead of going to a concert. And that’s totally okay.

Make time to learn about you friends interests and hobbies. Try them out and show support. And if they aren’t for you, that’s totally okay! Find things you can bond over and do together – like occasionally going hiking, or choosing a diner you meet at every few weeks. Find a point of connection, and don’t worry if you don’t agree on every front!

What about you guys? Have you noticed a difference in your friendships (quality and quantity) as you’ve gotten through different phases and stages in your life? What are your thoughts on keeping alive the quality relationships that count?