Ever thought “I wish I was cool”? Maybe cool doesn’t matter

Have you ever thought to yourself, “I wish I was cool”? You’re definitely not alone. But the truth is, that as we get older, the concept of “cool” really doesn’t matter after all. 

There’s a guy I used to know whose Facebook profile said only this: “I’m not that cool, and I’m not that worried about it.”

I’ve always thought that was just the coolest, and I would like to take this opportunity to tell him so, even though no one uses Facebook anymore and there is a 1% chance that he will ever read this.

The truth about little cool kids

The reality is, from the time that we’re young kids and develop even the smallest bit of autonomy from our parents, we start noticing that there are little cool kids all around us.

Sometimes these kids happen to be the wealthiest families in our hometown. Others know all the latest pop songs on the bus ride home. Then there are the kids who only wear name-brand clothes and are always on a trip to Disneyland.

Then, we enter the high school years, and all hell and drama breaks loose. Suddenly there are cliques, “cool” lunch tables, and lame ones. The locker room becomes a place that the quiet or artsy kids dread. And just like elementary school, there are the cool kids.

Many of them are athletes or the king of the jocks. They only eat their favorite food for lunch. They know and are invited to every party that means something.

And so many of us end up spending all of our time and energy desperately trying to keep up, fit in, and blend in. On every difficult, awkward day we think to ourselves, “I wish I was cool.”

If this was your experience, whether you’re from a big city or a small town, I want you to know that you are not alone.

Moral of the story: Everyone lied

The crazy thing about this desire for cool is that for a lot of us, it keeps carrying on into our next phase or season of life. But the moral of the story is, that now that I’m in my 30s, I’ve learned the concept of cool is based on a lie.

I first realized this when I moved to Nashville at 21 years old. I showed up, visited a trendy coffee shop, and promptly had an identity crisis.

I was suddenly surrounded by chicks with perfect beach waves. There were guys in leather jackets with vintage motorcycles and expensive “man purses.” Groups of friends here are collectively attractive.

There were certain places to be seen that seemed to define who you were as a person. I was the furthest thing from the big fish in the sea. (Or is it pond? Or am I a little fish?)

I didn’t have a crew, I didn’t have hip cred. I was just another black girl in fake Ugg boots.

I remember crying to my mom on the phone at night, “Dear mom, you just don’t understand…” Internally I was having a major identity crisis.

Should my hair be straight? Do I need extensions? Should I shop at Urban Outfitters more? I would have to use my maxed out credit card for that…

I found myself meeting people when I was out on a Saturday night, then rushing home to social media to see who else they knew. I made myself sick and tired with stress and striving.

It took a while, but I slowly started to realize things weren’t as perfect for those people around me as they may have initially seemed. I met a lot of girls my age who didn’t like themselves either. I met broken boy after broken boy.

Most of these people, regardless of how beautiful they were or how perfectly curated their Instagram feeds, were not actually very happy. They struggled with the same things as me but felt them more intensely because their lives were constantly being scrutinized and watched.

Many of their relationships were founded on insecurities. It took me a few years, but I gradually learned that the real me with my real friends, playing board games on the weekends, was about all that I could take.

Being cool is a lie

If you find yourself saying out loud, “I wish I was cool,” please know that being cool is a lie.

It’s an idea that magazines, television, and Beyonce sell us. (Love her though!)

No one’s life is perfect, you are just seeing the good parts. Being popular is overrated. So don’t worry about modeling yours off of unreasonable standards.

Cool is YOU.

Cool are your interests, your specific gifts and personality traits.

Cool is the fact that you have a signature jacket you wear with everything, even if it’s your only one.

Cool is the way your hair flops to the right side no matter what you do to it.

Cool is how you play chess every day of the week.

Cool is the fact that you want to be a minimalist but can’t because you collect comic books, and you’re passionate about it, and there is nothing wrong with that.

PLEASE, STOP USING OTHER PEOPLE’S LIVES TO MEASURE AND DETERMINE HOW YOU FEEL ABOUT YOURSELF.

I’m not only yelling at you, I am also yelling at myself.

I often have to take breaks, step back from Instagram and the Internet and just view life through my actual life. My co-workers, my best friends from high school. My husband, my kids, the imperfect but full of character little house we live in…

This is living.

What do you need to do today to refocus your attention? Is it time for you to draw yourself back into your own life and out of someone else’s?

What do you actually love and care about? What things are you passionate about that you’ve let fall to the wayside out of fear of what others might think? Don’t lose yourself by focusing on what someone else is doing. Being cool doesn’t matter.