Why are adult friendships so hard?
Who knew that adult friendships would be so hard to make… and keep? In today’s world, adults are more separated, and more lonely, than ever before. This article addresses why adult friendships are so hard, and how to find the people that you can depend on and share your life with.
Why is it so hard to make friends as an adult?
Why is it so hard to make friends as an adult? By the time we get into our 30’s and 40’s, many of us have become a little more established. We’ve settled into our rhythms of how we do things – where we go for our morning coffee, the gym we exercise at, the chair we like to sit in to catch up on Netflix at night.
But often as we get older, there tends to be less and less variety to our daily lives and our schedules – reducing the amount of daily interaction we have with other people. This is especially true for those who have been remote working since the pandemic, and for moms and dads who are in the throes of raising young kids.
When there are so many other things going on in our lives, adulthood friendships definitely tend to take a backseat. And because of all the other things happening in our lives, checking in with old friends and investing in new relationships can really tend to fall to the wayside.
As a business owner and stay at home mom of two young kids, some days are brutal. And on those days, I hardly have energy to make dinner, much less go find new friends and build relationships. But I’m learning that by focusing on just a couple (1-3) quality relationships, we can find fulfillment in adulthood.
“What really matters is that we’re cultivating a few relationships in our lives with people that we’ve chosen to be there for, and people that we know will be there for us.”
Prefer to listen to this blog? This conversation was taken from Season 2: Episode 2 of The Joy Rally Podcast. You can hear the full episode right here!
How to make friends as a young adult
My two closest friends are girls that I’ve known since probably middle school or late elementary school. We grew up in the same high school, stayed friends after high school, through college, and now stay in contact through all living in different states, moving away, being married, and having kids. With these two friends, we just have a permanent text chain going all the time where we just talk about whatever’s happening in our lives.
But even though they’re my best friends, we don’t really see each other. I’m in North Carolina, one is in Indiana, one is in Ohio but was just in California. We’re kind of all over the place.
The great thing about a friendship like this? You know where you stand with each other. So when you get back together again it feels like no time at all has passed. That’s the key to a really great friendship.
When you’re young, it’s a lot easier to make a friend. School, parties, and in-person jobs create environments that enable it to happen.
But when you add in being married, when you add in having kids, working full time, when you’re moving and changing houses and changing neighborhoods, changing jobs – all of these elements can add a lot of difficulty to connect with and stay in contact with people.
Even though our world is going virtual, even though you can hole up in your house and never talk to another person for days, if you want adult friends, you have to put yourself out there.
Join a club or community group. Head to a local park for a walk or to play some pickleball. Try visiting a new church. Sit at a coffee shop and smile at people when they come in. How to make friends as a young adult? Be available. Be friendly. Put yourself out there. Yes it will be uncomfortable, but its worth it.
Also, if you already know someone who could potentially be a friend, extend an invitation to hang out or grab coffee! They may be looking for a friend too and will be glad you did.
How not to be an adult with no friends
Adult friendships are hard because over the years so many variables come into our life – and every choice and decision we make can affect our existing relationships if we don’t take the time and effort to maintain them.
I know you know this, but maintaining relationships. It’s work. Right?
And so, the people who are willing to make the effort and that you make the effort for will become those long-term friends that stick around forever.
If you don’t want to be the adult with no friends, start being a friend. Do kind things for your neighbors. Join a club or group in your community. Get an in person job where you actually have to show up somewhere everyday. Do the groundwork to cultivate relationships with other people. You may be surprised by what happens!
And if you’re feeling sad about older friendships that have faded, remember this:
As we get older, some adult friendships don’t last. They don’t stick around. And the thing about it is, that’s okay.
I think a lot of times we feel guilt when a friendship ends or it fizzles out. We may feel resentment when someone else has phased us out as a friend. That can hurt, especially if it’s someone that you felt like you were gonna be friends with for a long time.
But when a friendship fizzles, when a friendship shifts, changes or fades, sometimes that can actually be a blessing in disguise.
The realities of friendship
Now, this is one thing I’ve really had to wrestle with on my own. The people you start with aren’t always gonna be who you finish with.
In my 20’s, I had a lot of friends. Before I got married and before having kids, we’d go to brunch. We’d go to parties together. We’d stay out super late for no reason. But as I’ve gotten older, some of those friendships didn’t last, they didn’t stick around. And I’ve accepted that it’s okay.
The reality is that the whole world can’t be friends with each other. We can’t get to know everyone we come in contact with on an intimate and personal level. That’s not reality, and it’s not what we’re made for.
So instead, why don’t we work on cultivating a couple of really rich relationships – ones where we dig in deep? Relationships where we invest in each other and talk about what’s really going on in our lives. Then we can reciprocate, invest in and feed into the people’s lives that we’ve chosen – making those relationships deeper and richer.
“The people who are willing to make the effort and the people that you’re willing to make the effort for are gonna be those long-term people that stick around forever.”
Now I’ve definitely been in seasons where I sit on Instagram and see other people at parties or out with friends, places I wasn’t invited to with people that I wish I’d known better. And you can feel a little bit of a sting in your heart sometimes, right? Like, man, I wish I had friends like that.
But I’d like to challenge you – why don’t you start to cultivate deeper, rich relationships with the people that are in your life right now?
Maybe there’s someone kind of on the fringes that you see every once in a while that you could say, “Hey, let’s go out for coffee. Let’s talk and get to know each other better.”
Maybe there’s someone you really, really love, but you haven’t reached out to them in a long time. Why don’t you send that person a text or call them up?
Distance doesn’t have to matter. Whether or not you both have kids doesn’t have to matter. What really matters is that we’re cultivating a couple of relationships in our lives with people we’ve chosen to be there for, and people that we know will be there for us.
Conclusion
Yes, adult friendships are hard, and some relationships will fade and they will fizzle away. But that’s okay. The most important thing is finding those few mutual friendships and relationships where you can grow and go deeper together. So maybe 10 or 15 years down the road, those are still the people you call.
Cultivate deep relationships today. Don’t worry so much about the group of people that hung out and you didn’t get invited. Worry about the people who are showing up, the people that are in your life. Think about how you can invest deeper in those relationships today.
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