Why Are Adult Friendships So Hard? Here’s How to Build the Ones That Last
Who knew that adult friendships would be so hard to make… and keep? In today’s world, adults are more separated, and more lonely, than ever before. This article addresses why adult friendships are so hard, and how to find the people that you can depend on and share your life with.
Why is it so hard to make friends as an adult?
Why is it so hard to make friends as an adult? By the time we get into our 30’s and 40’s, many of us have become a little more established. We’ve settled into our rhythms of how we do things – where we go for our morning coffee, the gym we exercise at, the chair we like to sit in to catch up on Netflix at night…
But often as we get older, there tends to be less variety to our daily lives and schedules – reducing the amount of daily interaction we have with other people. This is especially true for those of us who do remote work, and for moms and dads who are in the throes of raising young kids.
With so many other things going on in our lives, adult friendships definitely tend to take a backseat. Often exhausted and distracted, checking in with old friends and investing in new relationships can really tend to fall to the wayside.
And that’s not the only reason.
Location, relationship status, careers, and shifting interests all contribute to why adult friendships are so hard. You move across the country. You get married. You get a job that eats up your free time. Your interests evolve.
Suddenly, you realize it’s been two weeks since you’ve seen anyone other than your coworkers or your spouse and kids. It’s not that you don’t want friends—it’s just complicated now.
Why adult friendships Are so hard
As a business owner and stay-at-home mom of two young kids, some days are brutal. And on those days, I hardly have energy to make dinner, much less go find new friends and build relationships. But I’m learning that by focusing on just a couple (1–3) quality relationships, we can find fulfillment in adulthood.
“What really matters is that we’re cultivating a few relationships in our lives with people that we’ve chosen to be there for, and people that we know will be there for us.”
Still, I get it. Location matters. When your closest friends live hundreds of miles away, it takes effort. Setting aside time each month to text, call, or schedule a trip together makes a real difference.
Relationship status adds another layer—when friends pair off or start families, it can feel like you’re being left behind. Jobs pull us in different directions. Interests evolve. These factors make it clear: why are adult friendships so hard? Because life is complex—and it changes constantly.
But here’s the good news: recognizing the challenges gives you the power to overcome them.
How to make friends as an adult
My two closest friends are girls I’ve known since middle school. We stay in contact through a group chat, despite living in different states, being married, and having a bunch of kids. But even though they’re my best friends, we don’t really see each other. I’m in Tennessee, one is in Indiana and one is in Ohio.
The great thing about a friendship like this? You know where you stand with each other.
So when you get back together again it feels like no time at all has passed. That’s the key to a really great friendship.
When you’re young, it’s a lot easier to make a friend. School, parties, and in-person jobs create environments that enable it to happen. But as adults, we have to be more intentional. Even though our world is going virtual, if you want real adult friends, you have to put yourself out there.
Here are 5 simple ways to make new friends as an adult
- Be available and approachable. Sit at a coffee shop and smile. Say hi to your neighbor. A little openness goes a long way.
- Join something. A local church, a small group, a community class, a walking club, or even a book club can offer regular interaction.
- Revisit existing connections. If you already know someone you like, invite them to coffee or a walk. They might be looking for connection too.
- Get outside. Go to a park. Try pickleball. Head to your library’s events. Just being around others helps.
- Don’t fear awkward. Every new friendship starts with a little discomfort. Push through it—it’s worth it.
How not to be an adult with no friends
Adult friendships are hard because life is busy and full of transitions. But the truth is—if you want to have friends, you have to be a friend.
Here are practical ways to avoid ending up isolated:
- Be the initiator. Don’t wait for someone else to reach out—send the first text, make the plan, extend the invite.
- Show up. Consistency builds connection. If someone invites you to something, do your best to be there.
- Find in-person rhythms. Get a job or volunteer somewhere that puts you around other people regularly.
- Look for connection points. Even if you’re different, shared experiences or goals can become great foundations for friendship.
I know you know this, but maintaining relationships. It’s work. Right?
The people who are willing to make the effort and that you make the effort for will become those long-term friends that stick around forever.
And if you’re feeling sad about older friendships that have faded, remember this:
As we get older, some adult friendships don’t last. They don’t stick around. And the thing about it is, that’s okay.
Remember, when a friendship fizzles, when a friendship shifts, changes or fades, sometimes that can actually be a blessing in disguise.
The realities of friendship
Now, this is one thing I’ve really had to wrestle with on my own. The people you start with aren’t always gonna be who you finish with.
In my 20’s, I had a lot of friends. We’d go to brunch. We’d go to parties together. We’d stay out super late for no reason. But as I’ve gotten older, some of those friendships didn’t last. And I’ve accepted that it’s okay.
The reality is that we’re not made to be close friends with everyone. That’s not realistic—and it’s not how deep relationships form. So instead of trying to hold onto everything, focus on the few you can grow with.
I’ve definitely been in seasons where I sit on Instagram and see other people at parties or out with friends, places I wasn’t invited to with people that I wish I’d known better. And you can feel a little bit of a sting in your heart sometimes, right? Like, man, I wish I had friends like that.
But I’d like to challenge you – why don’t you start to cultivate deeper, rich relationships with the people that are in your life right now?
4 Things to Remember About Being a Friend
Whether you’re building a new friendship or maintaining an old one, keep these in mind:
1. Be the friend you wish you had. Reach out. Encourage. Be thoughtful. That energy usually circles back.
2. Friendships take effort. They won’t survive on autopilot. Invest time and intention.
3. Seasons change. Some friendships fade naturally—and that doesn’t mean they weren’t valuable.
4. Depth matters more than quantity. A few strong friendships are more fulfilling than dozens of shallow ones.
Conclusion
Yes, adult friendships are hard, and some relationships will fade and fizzle away. But that’s okay. The most important thing is finding those few mutual friendships and relationships where you can grow and go deeper together. So maybe 10 or 15 years down the road, those are still the people you call.
So, the next time you find yourself wondering why are adult friendships so hard, remember: it’s not just you. It’s life. But you’re not powerless to change it. Make space. Reach out. Go deeper. Invest in the friendships that matter most—and see how rich your life becomes.
Prefer to listen to this blog? This conversation was taken from Season 2: Episode 2 of The Joy Rally Podcast. You can hear the full episode right here!
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