As I write this I’m both incredibly excited and a little bit heartbroken.
The reason? I’ve been offered and accepted a full time job.
This is great news because for the first time in a long time, I’m really pumped about the job and the company, and could definitely see myself being there for a long time. Everyone I’ve met that works there is great. The culture seems like an amazing fit. The pay is just what we need to stay afloat, and work on paying off more debt.
BUT it’s a little heartbreaking, because for the last 4.5 months I’ve been home with our son, Jayden.
To be home for most all of the developmental moments of his life so far have been huge. His first giggle, rolling over, neighborhood walks, sweet morning bath times, and even the endless poopy blow outs…
I mean, sure. There have been moments where I’ve screamed out of frustration, or literally just laid on the floor because I didn’t think I could do it anymore. But all those moments just remind me now of the incredible progress we’ve made – and how much more patient, loving, and selfless of a person he’s made me.
Unfortunately the reality is, there’s no way we can live in Nashville and work towards our financial goals without two incomes. And I genuinely like to work. I love having coworkers and a place to be a part of something bigger than myself. Not to mention I feel like a major boss when I’m able to financially contribute to our family. (Is that just me??)
But there’s the constant worry about all the things I’ll miss being away.
Crawling, walking, talking… what if I’m not there for those major firsts?
What if I don’t get to capture it with my camera?
What if he doesn’t use his little voice to talk to me first?
What if he hates being with other people everyday?
What if he likes it more than being with us?
Am I failing as a parent?
Am I throwing in the Stay at Home Mom towel too early?
There are so many questions like these constantly floating in my head. I’m slowly teaching myself to be rational and push them down. I have to remind myself that helping to provide for my family is a way of being a good mother too.
There are 168 hours in every week.
So after the 40 hours where we bring home the bacon, I can still spend the other 128 hours nurturing my son, being a great wife, and caring for our little family well.
So yes, I’m fully expecting it to be hard at first. But I believe that God brought this opportunity, in the same way that He brought us our awesome son. And with a little extra strength and tons of organization, I think we can totally do this.
So I’m going to step out, and step back into the workforce with boldness. I’m going to hold my son tight every morning and give him like, 100,000 kisses before we place him in someone else’s care. And then I’m going to trust that the rest will all get figured out with time.
Any readers out there who went to work outside of the home after baby? I’d love to hear your stories, tips, tricks, whatever! Let’s talk in the comments!